Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
