I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize