So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
