This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
