i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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