There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
