yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
They are going to name an STD after you.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
