Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
