So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We smell like vodka and hangover
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