Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
