I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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