I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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