watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
