They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Vodka?
Forever.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
