i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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