Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
