My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
