the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
