I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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