I think I died a long time ago.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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