Someone shit on the floor
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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