I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
