i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
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I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
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I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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