You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
