I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
These tits shall not be calmed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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