She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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