What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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