So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
