you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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