I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
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You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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