I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Dicks are not precious.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
