How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
