I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
