the new term for farting is butt boxing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
