I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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