I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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