Your dad touched me again.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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