Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
