If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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