jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Damn victory sex feels great
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
