my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
