I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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