Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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