i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
