I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
