i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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