allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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