I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
