He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
