my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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