Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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