I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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