dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
