Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
