If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
