His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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